When the Dust Settles

That is when things gets especially hard.  Every negative test from Thanksgiving to Saturday was very hard. The test we took on Thanksgiving was incredibly hard to receive. Body hurting and deep crying hard.

At the same time, we were in a bit of shock and went straight into “planning mode”. I could not dwell on it, I had to make a plan so I would feel like we were still moving forward so that the pain from the failed IVF cycle could be semi avoided . Apparently this is how I cope when shitty things happen. Therefore,immediately after the blank white spaces started showing up,  we decided we were going to start focusing our energy on budgeting and losing weight. Because honestly, what are we going to be able to do know anyway in terms of TCC. Regardless, this helped and made me feel better because even though I was devastated, I could focus on what is coming in the future and not what crap is going on now.  

Now that the plan is set and the dust has settled, I am having spontaneous waves of deep, deep sadness. These feelings come out of the blue and only last for  a minute. I have never experienced such waves of hopelessness and sadness. I am just really, really sad feeling. Many times I will not even be thinking about how there is a very real chance that Violet and I will never have children when this deep sadness washes over me. Of course, it is always present when I think about not having a baby. I am actually a little concerned about the level of my sadness.

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