I have been a lazy blogger, but have been keeping up with you all. Huge congrats  to the ladies over at The Bao on their new pregnancy!  I couldn’t be happier for them.

 We have been doing well and have been basking in the fall days. Not too much has been happening on the baby front.  V is on CD 32, which would be awesome if we tried last month. However this long cycle is most likely to the damn cyst that knocked us out of last cycle. So we are patiently waiting and feeling  increasingly excited about trying again. Even though we tried a cycle ago, I think we are actually emotionally ready now. I love that the excitement is back! Now it is time to wait until we can  get this cycle rolling!

Here are some pictures of our most recent visit to the arboretum in our town……We are some serious tree lovers!

Today I am off work for fall break and thought this the perfect time to get answer a few of the questions that you all have asked.

Strawberry asked the following questions:

1. I’m curious, since you’ve started off with Clomid, monitoring and a trigger shot, why you began at that point versus just OPKing and trying a couple times before intervention?

When we started researching all the ins and outs of trying to conceive, we thought we were going to go the route of ICI at home with no medication. Our vision of the insemination was one that was intimate, memorable and personal as possible. As we started looking at the success rates of  inseminations by IUI compared to ICI and then factored in the cost of IUI prepared vials to IUI prepared vials we thought it was better to  go ahead with an IUI.  Plus, the bank we had chosen did not ship to homes and would not give out information on how to correctly defrost the vials. (We have of course now learned how to do this since then, but that is besides the point.  Not very intersting, but that is how we ended up going the IUI route off the bat. Now to the medications and ultrasounds…….which really boils down to money

During our “research time”, Clomid seemed to come up in the literature many times. So we started to throw around the idea of trying medicated cycles in hopes that we reduce the number of tries. It is really not much more complicated than that. We took V’s age in consideration and cost of trying each month and decided the Clomid was safe enough to try a few tries to reduce the number of insemination that V went through.

Now to the ultrasounds….that just kinda happened. I actually do not remember if our midwife suggested it or if we asked for it. KNowing me and my worrying ways, I suggested we get an u/s to make sure a follicle was developing. Now it is procedure for V to get one or two u/s before the IUI.

Also, karaoke…love it or hate it?

V and I both agree that karaoke if loads of fun to watch. V would like to get up on the stage and belt one out, while P would just prefer to sit in the audience and adoringly watch V.

Today is cd 12 and V went and had an u/s today to check on follicle size before we bought the vial. Turns out that she is going to ovulate early, as there is already a 30 mm follicle. The technician thought it was a cyst, but the midwife said that was unlikely since she has had so many u/s over the past few moths and there has not been any evidence of a cyst or a prior cyst. The midwife  (not our regular one) said if the vial was at the clinic she would perform the IUI tonight; considering we had not even purchased it yet, this will not be happening. I am not sure that this is really a follicle at 30 mm and think that it could be a follicular cyst. We were going to have V start testing with OPK’s tomorrow, since this would be about the time that her body typically has a positive OPK. When she took one today it was negative. So maybe we completely missed it. Either way, it is not going to happen this cycle.

I am devastated as this cycle was incredibly important to us, since it was the last cycle to try and have a summer baby. As I have moaned and groaned about this before, a summer baby would mean I would have time off to be with V and the baby.  A  baby born during my work months, means no time off for me. Of course, there is a great chance that V would have not  gotten pregnant this cycle, but the failure would have been less awful if we would have even got the chance to try.

It is sad to think back 6 months and how optimistic, eager and light and happy hearted we were about trying to create a baby.  We are not in that place anymore.

As of this morning it became official, this cycle was unsuccessful. Since V had gotten some negative pregnancy tests over the past week we started discussing the next cycle, money and over all the direction that we want our TTC journey to look like. These conversations have been very helpful and healing in some ways because I was able to step away from the emotion and take a more analytical approach to trying to get pregnant.

I think the most important conversations centered around money and finances. We took a long thoughtful look at what we are spending each cycle and discussed what this mean in regards of our financial health. Before we actually started trying to conceive, the number of attempts would be  indefinent. We would try until a baby was created and delivered! But, as we all know all too well, things change once you actually in the middle of trying to expand your family. We have not set a number in stone yet, as these things need careful consideration. We are not taking out loans to finance our monthly baby making adventures, therefore each month we are paying everything out-of-pocket, with a little help with insurance on u/s and IUI procedures. It is costing us over a $1,000.00 a month on TTC. I shudder at the thought that if we do 5 consecutive IUI’s then we would have spent $6,000.00 in just five months! I am realistic and realize that many, and I mean many, of you have spent much more money than this, but, we are trying to find a good balance where we feel good about how much we put into TTC. How do you put a “price” on the chance to have a child though? That is where we are struggling.

We tested today, on CD 25. It was negative. To be more precise, all four tests that V took today came out negative. I would not recommend Ta.rget brand pregnancy tests, as they give off the faintest line/shadow EV-ER! I think it is just how they are designed and most women would not  even see the pitiful line, unless they are crazily examining every tiny portion of the display window. This morning, I had a slight bit if hope  that this VERY, and I mean VEEERRRY faint line was start of a something more promising. However, when V tested this evening with two different tests and one crappy T.arget one, it was obvious that the T.arget ones are just shitty little pieces of plastic.

We were never optimistic about this cycle, so this is not a huge surprise. But even with the low expectations  that we had, I am still feeling angry and sad.I am so afraid that this is just the start of a long road. I think we will try again next month. But, if V does not get pregnant that cycle then we will take off for a month or two to save back a little more money.

I am very excited that I and V have so many fun questions to answer. You ladies had some really non traditional questions and I love that! I am looking forward to writing the answers to those over the next week. What a fantastic way to mend our sad hearts after a unsuccessful cycle.

Some of the brilliant women in the blog world have asked readers to post any questions they might want to know about the writers of the blog. Since we are in the last week of the two week wait I thought we would do the same. So ladies, feel free to ask away because I am actually looking forward to this being a distraction during the 1ww wait.

This weekend we bought pregnancy tests and tampons. I hope that V does not need the latter of the two. I actually wanted to hold off  buying  these  pregnancy tests because I have a slight problem with waiting. I am the type  of person that will relentlessly attempt to give someone their birthday or Christmas present as soon as I buy it. Having the  reliable tests in the house makes me want to convince V that we should test tomorrow morning.  However, I can’t come up with a good case on why we should test so ridiculously early. It is ONLY cd 23 and 7 days past IUI.   I guess we will wait until Friday, on cd 28, to test…..that is if I can wait that long!

Tuesday afternoon, V sent me a text saying that we were going to babysit our friends little four month little girl because of one her mommies is in the emergency room for her appendix. I was worried and sad for our friend, but thrilled about being able to stay with Kenley. Oh how that changed so very quickly. Okay ladies, I suggest that you do not stay with a baby while you ae in the baby making stage.  At one point I actually turned to V and said “I don’t think I want to do this”. Meaning, lets not have kids.  Which is an awesome thing to say when someone who is 2 days past an IUI.

There was way too much crying. I think she probably wailed for four out of the five hours we were there with her. Nothing we did could console her for any length of time. I felt so bad for her and the stress she must have been going through. It was also slightly nerve wracking for us, which is what prompted me say that awful thing to Violet. Of course, I do not feel that way anymore, but it did open my eyes to what many of our nights could possibly be like. I had never dealt with a crying baby for hours on end, even though I was aware that it happened.

As I have mentioned before in previous posts,  that my job is something that I do not see myself doing for years on end. I know that I am going to need to come up with a back up plan and for the past two years I have been exploring various career changes. School Media Specialist is one of my top 3. Thursday evening I drove down to the University where I got my two previous degrees and spoke to one of the professors in the program. The meeting was filled with lots of positive information and I left fairly hopeful. Since I have already taken the MAT and the PRAXIS, I could use those as my entrance exams and would not have to agonize over any other exams. On the downside-the program is not ALA accredited, which means I could have issues getting into a Ph.D. program done the line and I would not be able to work outside of the school systems.  With that in mind, I have  been in contact with FSU about their program, which is third in the nation, but also more expensive and much more involved in the acceptance process. Decisions, Decisions. I am a bit envious of the ones who picked a career and stuck with it.

Today is CD 22. I am not feeling very optimistic about this cycle. Ever since we lost Poppy, I have had this nagging feeling that we would have two failed cycles before V got pregnant again. I am not one to go by “vibes” or innate feelings when it comes to things like this, but I can’t seem to shake this deep down feeling that this is the course our attempt to make a baby will take. Since we are afraid of getting a false positive, Violet did take a cheap pregnancy test this morning to make sure the Ovid.rel was out of her system.  Even though I wanted the test to be negative this morning, it was still a sad sight.

Today is 6 days past the IUI and about marks the end of the first week wait.  Let me tell you, this time around has been so much more chill. I am not constantly asking her how she is feeling or making sure she doesn’t not eat anything that could be slightly unhealthy or harmful to any potential ball of cells growing in her uterus. Pretty much, I am not being a dictator of her body. The IUI is not also a though on my mind for the majority of the day, as it was last time. I am enjoying the wait much more this time. Lets hope that the second week is just as easy as the first.

We awoke to a day that is gloomy, windy and rainy. It would be the perfect day to lay in bed and snuggle up to V, but we have a very important date with our midwife this morning. We are hoping that this day is not only good for snuggling, but also the optimal day to create a baby.

The main thing on my mind as I sit and relax after a long week is how much we absolutely love carpooling together. Every afternoon my heart jumps a beat and all the stress that has set in my body diminishes as soon as I walk out of work and see V sitting in my car. My very favorite part of my day is the very instant V sees me come out of work. Her face lights up in a  smile that shows how happy she is to see me. I am not sure how we will ever not carpool to work everyday. It makes my day so much better and brighter. It really is all about the small things in life that make the big picture so much better.

Today is CD 14 for V. She got a positive OPK at about 6 pm last night and then I rolled up my sleeves and  gave her a shot filled with Ov.idrel at 11:00. We will be meeting our midwife at 10:00 tomorrow morning for IUI #2. This time with a different donor, as we found out recently that our previous one is inactive.

 As we are going through this second cycle I am constantly reminded of the miscarriage. As we do each step in the procedure I think back to last time, the time that created our first pregnancy. There are so many differences between our first insemination and this one. The main difference being that we are lacking the enthusiasm that we had before. The miscarriage has seriously effected our outlook of this cycle. I guess it is human nature to learn and become guarded due to past experiences.

We have decided to not tell anyone that we are trying gain. This somewhat simple task  is proving to be rather difficult. Since we were a tad bit excited the first time around we told practically everyone we were trying and that we were pregnant. Now all of these people frequently ask us when we are trying agin. We typically answer, “Oh, we are not sure”. Which is not too much of a lie, because we never knew the exact date that we would try again. But since we do know and V will have her second IUI on Sunday morning, we are not sure how to respond. We both are honest and do not feel right lying, but we do not want to be in the awful position we found ourself when the miscarriage occurred. Our plan?? Just hope people don’t ask. I guess we will see how that works out for us.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Here are 10 things about me, Peony, as we were tagged a bazillion years ago….

1. I am a serious worrier. I worry and obsess about….well, just about everything. I think this drives Violet crazy. Luckily, she loves me regardless of this.

2. I am a special education teacher for kids in grades K-2 and even though my job has some really great perks, such as summers off, I really do not like my job all that much as I should. And wonder regularly how in the world I have ended up here with a Master’s degree that aids in employing me at a job that I would leave if it was financially plausible.

3. I can’t get over how much I love Violet and how compliment each other beautifully. Simply, we just get each other.

4. Even though romantic comedies are the most predictable films, I can’t help but love them and order these from Netflix more than any other genre of movie. (I heart Netflix)

5. I think I am  AD/HD inattentive type, but am not sure because I never went back to the doctors to get the results after I took the questionnaire. I think that is all the results I really need.

6. I have a SEVERE  fear of a home invasion or break in. So much so that I completely freak out when I have to stay at the house alone. I think this is a product of growing up in houses with security systems. Also, there was this instance in college when I was staying at a friends apartment and a drunk boy had smashed his  hand (which become bloody) through the glass in the door and proceded to thrust his body against the door while us girls were in the closet on the phone with 911 crouched in the closet. Hmm…maybe a combination of both experiences. Ha!

7. I would love more than anything to have four children and to be a stay at home mother. My dream job to make this happen would be to own a daycare that I can run and operate from our home. I would be in heaven.

8. I kind of always thought I would love to renovate a Craftsman Style Bungalow and live there ever so happily. However, we have found out recently, through our bathroom project,  that we are not really do-it ourselfers in terms of home projects.  Not really our thing apparently. Funny enough, this revelation was actually a bit of a shock to us. I still think I belong in a craftsman, even if I am not the one making in gorgeous.

9. I feminine on the outside but butch in the inside. I would not have it any other way. 

10. I am thinking about getting my PhD.